So today I had two - not one - but two good friends complain to me at work, independently of one another, that they miss Premedicated Me. One expressed frustration that she is no longer able to distract me from my work with idle conversation and gossip, and that if this continues, she will have no choice but to take my rebuffs personally.
The second friend lamented the fact that I had sat in my cubical all morning working, of all things, without coming to visit with her in her cubical, as had been my daily routine since the beginning of time. This friend grudgingly acknowledged that my new and improved attention span is, in fact, a good thing; but asked that I try to at least check in briefly in the morning before tackling the world's problems. I assured her that I would put that on my calendar.
Who knew that one little daily capsule would turn me into one of those people who believe that work should come before play. Sure, I wanted to be more productive - that was a major motivation for seeking ADHD treatment. But I hadn't anticipated that I would experience an ethical transformation. I always knew that I wasn't living up to my potential, as they say. But I never would have guessed in a million years that there was a workaholic trapped inside my slacking shell, struggling to get out just so she could update that spreadsheet right now - the one her boss said he didn't need until the end of the week.
No, I didn't expect any of that. But once I discovered that Inattentive Poster Girl has a focused, motivated--and somewhat driven--alter ego, I assumed, frankly, that there would be little, if any, use for the old me, with the sleepy receptors. I spent a lot of years trying to hide her existence, lying for her, making excuses for her. I criticized her mercilessly when no one else was around. I was often embarrassed by her. I was tired and demoralized by all the trouble she caused. I wanted her gone.
I hadn't really considered that perhaps she had her place and a purpose.
Maybe I was too hard on the little scatterbrained procrastinator - the one who talks too much and works too little. The one who smiles and nods at you, but has no idea what you just said because she's not listening--instead, she's trying to remember where her debit card is. . .and the last name of that guy from Wham . . . not George . . . the other guy.
I hadn't considered that she might have special gifts to offer - gifts that can be cultivated only by an unconfined, "disordered," mind [ADHD "positives"].
Well, luckily, she isn't gone. It will take some time for the two of us to figure out how to live together--how to divide up the house work, as it were. But rest assured she's around. After dinner on a busy long day is a good time to find her. You'll know her right away--she'll be the one trying to feed Flintstone's Chewables to the cat, and crunchy salmon-flavored treats to her kids, while recounting for you, in excruciating detail, her zany grocery-store misadventure from earlier in the day. And she'll probably ask you if you've seen her keys.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I'll get right on that! (What was I supposed to do again?)
During the first few days of taking Adderall, I spent a lot of hours at work cleaning and organizing my desk. I sorted through piles that had been growing for months, filed things, and threw out tons of useless crap. In addition, I went through a stack of notebooks in which I had scribbled some things on a few pages, only to lose track of each notebook, or misplace it, or whatever. In any event, the notebooks never served as a helpful resource as I intended when I optimistically started each one.
Now much calmer and focused, I carefully pored through each written page to see if there was any important information to be retrieved, like perhaps, assignments that I had been given and then forgotten to do in light of the fact that I misplaced my notebook.
The good news - or maybe it's the bad news, depending on how you look at it - is that I hadn't been missing much. Instead of being filled with coherent to-do lists, important insights and reminders, and clearly explained assignments, they were filled with chicken scratch. A few pages here, and few pages there. Scribbles, doodles, funny comments I wrote to colleagues who sat next to me during meetings. Incomplete phone messages.
Reading through these notebooks ended up being less an exercise of professional organization and more like reminiscing over scrapbooks or journals that recounted a worklife of someone whose mind was somewhere else - everywhere else. The pages revealed a mix of boredom, frustration, and confusion, as well as some good chuckles.
My favorite was the page that read, "Create Awareness," written with big letters in red ink, and underlined. Wow, this looks important! Allegedly, I took this note during a meeting with my boss. I could deduce that my boss probably wanted me to create awareness . . .about. . .I have no idea what. I laughed out loud. It was so important that I create awareness that I set forth the imperative boldly on its very own page so as to not be detracted from by any other words on the page (however illustrative or illuminating such words might have been.)
I shared this discovery with my good friend and colleague, Cleo, who appreciated the irony right away. We enjoyed a good laugh as I asked Cleo to help me try to remember what it was about which I was supposed to create awareness. Always at the ready with a logical and helpful tip, Cleo suggested that I turn back to the page before this one to see if something I had written there might offer some insight. The comedy continues as I read the preceeding page that said only, "Ask Cleo."
In the end, I'm not really sure what all that was about. But I do believe that creating awareness is something I can be doing. It seems that everywhere I look these days, I'm seeing things about ADHD - news articles, blog posts, personal anecdotes, etc. I've never noticed this before. I hadn't really been paying attention.
Cynics will say that we have the pharmaceutical companies to thank for the increasing dissemination of information on this topic. Be that as it may, ADHD is as real as it is widely ignored and misunderstood. If you have a child or an adult loved one with this condition, awareness can lead to helpful tools and resources. Awareness might save a relationship or improve a child's chances for success in life.
If you suspect you might have ADD/ADHD, awareness offers hope, relief, and perhaps even miracles. So I'm happy to jump on the awareness bandwagon and share whatever insight or information I can, based on my own experiences and research.
Here's a blog post with an important message, that I happened upon today: http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/disabilitiesblog/index.php?blogid=573
Now much calmer and focused, I carefully pored through each written page to see if there was any important information to be retrieved, like perhaps, assignments that I had been given and then forgotten to do in light of the fact that I misplaced my notebook.
The good news - or maybe it's the bad news, depending on how you look at it - is that I hadn't been missing much. Instead of being filled with coherent to-do lists, important insights and reminders, and clearly explained assignments, they were filled with chicken scratch. A few pages here, and few pages there. Scribbles, doodles, funny comments I wrote to colleagues who sat next to me during meetings. Incomplete phone messages.
Reading through these notebooks ended up being less an exercise of professional organization and more like reminiscing over scrapbooks or journals that recounted a worklife of someone whose mind was somewhere else - everywhere else. The pages revealed a mix of boredom, frustration, and confusion, as well as some good chuckles.
My favorite was the page that read, "Create Awareness," written with big letters in red ink, and underlined. Wow, this looks important! Allegedly, I took this note during a meeting with my boss. I could deduce that my boss probably wanted me to create awareness . . .about. . .I have no idea what. I laughed out loud. It was so important that I create awareness that I set forth the imperative boldly on its very own page so as to not be detracted from by any other words on the page (however illustrative or illuminating such words might have been.)
I shared this discovery with my good friend and colleague, Cleo, who appreciated the irony right away. We enjoyed a good laugh as I asked Cleo to help me try to remember what it was about which I was supposed to create awareness. Always at the ready with a logical and helpful tip, Cleo suggested that I turn back to the page before this one to see if something I had written there might offer some insight. The comedy continues as I read the preceeding page that said only, "Ask Cleo."
In the end, I'm not really sure what all that was about. But I do believe that creating awareness is something I can be doing. It seems that everywhere I look these days, I'm seeing things about ADHD - news articles, blog posts, personal anecdotes, etc. I've never noticed this before. I hadn't really been paying attention.
Cynics will say that we have the pharmaceutical companies to thank for the increasing dissemination of information on this topic. Be that as it may, ADHD is as real as it is widely ignored and misunderstood. If you have a child or an adult loved one with this condition, awareness can lead to helpful tools and resources. Awareness might save a relationship or improve a child's chances for success in life.
If you suspect you might have ADD/ADHD, awareness offers hope, relief, and perhaps even miracles. So I'm happy to jump on the awareness bandwagon and share whatever insight or information I can, based on my own experiences and research.
Here's a blog post with an important message, that I happened upon today: http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/disabilitiesblog/index.php?blogid=573
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