I'm On to You, Claus. . .

So, tomorrow's the big night - you ready?  Well, you should be, you lucky bastard!  You've had all year to get ready!  Heh, heh. . . If you don't mind me saying so, that's a pretty sweet gig you got there; how'd you manage to land a job where you only have to work one night a year? 

I don't mean to minimize.  I know it's a big job; and it's not really "just one night a year" what will all that you must have to do ahead of time.  Supervising all those annoying elves, taking orders, managing your inventory, coaching the reindeer games - making sure the team's in good shape for the big game.  I get it, it's a lot of work.

But, c'mon, Santa, (Is it okay that I call you "Santa"?) you have to admit, it's not exactly a real job.  At least not to those of us who have to work for a living pretty much every day. 

Don't get me wrong.  I love what you do, really.  I could never do it myself.  It takes special people to do special things, and. . .well. . .to say that what you do is "special" doesn't even begin to do it justice.  You're huge!  A real rock star!

So, if you don't mind my asking, how much do they pay you?  Nah, never mind.  It's none o' my beeswax. 

Tell me somethin' though, how did you get into your line of work?  Oh. . . I see . . .you sorta just fell into it?  I can appreciate that.  Trust me.  I know.  It's tough to find a career that fits when you're someone who's. . .well. . .a little hard to fit.  Oh, no, no. . .that wasn't a "fat" joke.  Not at all.  I mean, look at me.  I don't have much room to talk.  But I've always got room for cheesecake! Ha! Ba-dum-ccchhh. . . . Sorry, I crack myself up sometimes.

Well, anywhooo. . .like I was saying, I know how tough it is finding work that works for you when you work. . .oh. . .a little. . .I don't know. . .differently.  What do mean I by that?

Well, for one thing, the way you dress.  You've obviously got your own style, and I'm not saying it doesn't completely work for you.  It's awesome; you're your own guy.  But, for example, you could never wear furry red velvet pants and a matching hat with a puffy ball at the end of it at my office.  I suppose you might be able to pull it off on Casual Day.  But it would be a stretch. 

And like I was saying, a lot of people have to work all the time.  I mean really work.  Seems like you get to take it pretty easy doin' whatever, and then BAM! You have all this energy all of a sudden and you go nuts!  Flying around the whole freakin' world in one night taking toys to like a couple billion kids.  And you don't even bother to use doors because you're so busy racing around, and stuffing cookies and milk in your face!  Wow. . .talk about hyperact. . .!  What?  Oh, nothing. . .I didn't say anything. 

Just seems like you've got an unusual amount of energy once in awhile for someone who . . .I don't know. . .what is it again that you do from December 26 through December 23?  What's that?  You don't pay much attention to dates?  Oh, true, someone does have to test out the video games before the kiddos get them.  I guess that's another thing that would make it pretty tough for you work in my world.  The Man is all about the schedule.  I'll bet your not paying attention much to dates goes over really well with Mrs. Claus on her birthday!  Haha! 

They make calendars that are pretty good, if you're interested.  I'll bet your phone might even have one.  Huh?  Oh. . .naw, I haven't seen your phone.  Sorry.  When was the last time you remember having it?  I'll let you know if I come across it, though. 

So, hey, you should probably hit the sack.  Big day tomorrow.  Oh. . .not tired?  Me neither.  I should have figured you for a night owl.  Most people would probably choose to deliver toys all over the world during first shift.  But, no. . .not you, I guess.  Yeah, I like to stay up late, too.  I guess we have some things in common, you and me.  I like to work at night.  But sometimes I just play dumb games on the Internet.  Other times, I just talk to myself. . .and pretend I'm having meaningful conversation with mythical characters. 

Oh, no. . .I didn't mean you.  Did I say you?  No, I did not.  I didn't say YOU were mythical.  Methinks "somebody" might be getting just a tad oversensitive.  I'd never say that about you.  I was talking about someone else.  You wouldn't know him. 

So. . um . . . not to change the subject, but do you really know whether everyone's been naughty or nice?  Seriously?  That's a pretty crazy talent you've got there.  How do you do that?  It's like you'd have to be paying attention to everybody all at once. . .all the time!  Seriously? You do? And no one ever taught you how to do that? Your brain just picks up on it, whether you want it to or not. That's pretty hilarious.  Your school teachers must have "loved" you! Heh!

Okay, quick! Close your eyes!  What color is the shirt I'm wearing?  Ha ha! Nope, it's green.  No, seriously, it's green.  You can look now.  How did you not know that?  I'm standing right in front of you.  Yeah, okay. . .I guess you've got your mind on other things.  What?  Oh, my god!  I WAS totally naughty that day!  But that was like 35 years ago!  Man, that is just creepy.  How do you even know that, much less remember it 35 years later?  But I'm standing right in front of you, and you have no idea my shirt is green. 

And they actually gave you a license to fly a reindeer-driven magic sleigh, did they?  Well, I'll be sure to stay out of the clouds tomorrow night.  No offense.  Oh, I'm just kidding around with you.  Lighten up.  You're awesome at what you do.  Like I said, I could never do it.  I have all the respect in the world for you.

But now really.  HOW do you manage to pull it off.  Even if it's only one night of actual work (no offense).  That's a pretty intense night. 

Aaaahhhh!  The List!  I forgot about the List.  And you check it not once, but twice!  Right. I remember.  Five times?  Ha!  You really check it five times?  That's hilarious!  I check mine at least that many too. . . But why lie about - why not tell people you check it five times?  Oh. . .it doesn't fit the rhyme scheme of the song.  Sure, I get that.  Naw, don't worry about it.  I won't tell anyone.  Your secret's safe with me. 

Wow, I'm starting to feel a little tired now finally.  We really ought to wrap this up so you can get some rest and get ready to share all those gifts of yours with the world.  The world needs them.

Yeah, thanks,  it was nice talking to you also. 

Backatcha, Santa--you have yourself a happy Christmas, too.  And a good night.